Learning the meaning of family

Day 30 – once again, I’m sitting in Room 1439. On the one hand it is my salvation from little Lian, and on the other it is my 253sq foot prison. It is my salvation because within these walls I am able to sleep undisturbed for hours at a time. [In fact, over a 3 day period, I’ve calculated, I will have slept the equivalent of 5 of Michelle’s nights with Lian – last night, for example, Lian woke her up every 2 hours, and Michelle was only able to steal 1 hour’s sleep every 2.]

This room is also my prison, though. I’m alone but for my imagination and my conscience. The former tells me that Lian is growing larger, eating well, and … part of me desperately hopes that she is sleeping for long stretches at a time. The latter tells me that by being here, I’m creating a growing rift in my and Michelle’s relationship. It’s not even conscious on my part, but it’s inevitable as I spend time away from my wife and daughter.

One of the hardest things in life is to achieve balance – another term for what I simply call happiness. With balance – or equilibrium between the various needs and activities of one’s heart and mind – comes a comfort and a relaxation, neither of which I am feeling in my 253 sq ft of hotel room. In fact, my fingernails are about as raw as I’ve seen in recent years. There is little balance right now.

Despite my 6 hour nights of sleep since Monday, I’ve fallen asleep at my laptop, chin hitting my chest…4 times. My eyes are heavy, my heart is heavy for being here alone and not supporting Mchelle. Tomorrow, I fly home to see my family.

[More photos then as I share with you all my parents-in-law 40th anniversary banquet.]