On Finger Sucking and Let-Downs
Day 9 – Another breakthrough happened today – in a bout of fussing and crying, Lian splayed the fingers of one hand across her face, and ended up – accidentally it looked like – putting her little thumb and index finger in her mouth. A loud sucking sound followed as her thumb and index finger went in and out of her small mouth, her opened palm flat against her nose and cheek. Michelle was overjoyed. “Look at that,” she cried in delight. For some reason, all I could think of was the studies I’d heard about that claimed that a child sucking its thumb could lead to poor gum development and crooked teeth.
“Just think,” Michelle added, “now she can suck her thumb to pacify herself instead of crying for us!” As soon as my dull mind realized the potential implications on our sleep patterns, I grinned from ear to ear. “Wow – some more sleep,” I thought.
The Art of Walking
Later today, we took another outing down by the beach at Crissy Field down by the San Francisco marina. It was a bright, sunny and warm Indian Summer day. The sky was a brilliant blue, the outrigger canoes from the San Francisco Outrigger canoe club were practicing sprints out by the dual buoys near the Golden Gate, and the water was flat.
All of this, of course, meant nothing to Lian who cried and cried during our walk. And do you know what? It didn’t faze us. For the first time, the two of us just walked together, each of us with a hand on the stroller – we’re a bit particular about each contributing evenly to whatever activity we’re doing – and almost blissfully ignorant of little Lian’s wailing cries. We’ve come a long way. The art of walking with a baby we’ve concluded, is to acknowledge her, but then let her sleep and to ignore her if she doesn’t. If she could only stay this age forever.
After a while as a new dad, you begin to feel like a pro and you tell yourself that you can read your baby’s cries and can tell her wants. I find myself ticking off the five wants all the time now: holding, feeding, burping, changing, and turn-up-the-heat (our own unique addition given our drafty apartment).
But even more important than knowing what a baby’s needs are, is being able to just ignore the cries altogether. On today’s walk, Lian’s crying made no sense: I’d just changed her diaper, she was stuffed with blankets in her stroller, she’d just been burped and fed. The only thing we weren’t doing was holding her – so OK – maybe that was the reason for the crying. But after a few minutes, she just stopped, and fell back asleep. Ignorance, it seems, is a useful tactic with a baby. At a certain point, she’ll just tire herself out or maybe forget what she was crying about, and she’ll fall asleep.
And as to our outings with Michelle, “the pleasure’s a little bit more intense than it used to be,” she said to me today. These little activities – a walk down a beach hand-in-hand – we would do without a thought in the world before. Now, we do them conscious of one thing that we never knew before: we are blessed when we can enjoy our time quietly, without Lian crying.
Motherhood
Since I’m less than half of the equation when it comes to baby and parenting, I thought I’d ask Michelle to share with you some of her thoughts on her newfound motherhood.
What is your perspective on motherhood versus fatherhood? “Well, there’s a certain amount of protectiveness that you don’t have as a man that I have, for example: protecting her body from the wind and the elements. You’re much more carefree in your treatment of her – I’m a lot more cautious about exposing her to people.”
What does it feel like being a mother? “It’s a life commitment like no other to just see this creation grow and blossom. It’s overwhelming having this creature take control of your life. It’s being able to let go (which is really hard for type-A personalities like ourselves) that is so difficult and yet so natural. Being a mom I’m much more aware that I just have to let things go and that I have to re-prioritize. Do I want to have my life and do things that give me pleasure? Absolutely. But now other things take priority.
What do you find yourself thinking about when you stare at her as you do? “I still look at her and go …wow … she literally came out of me. How did she fit?!”
What are you proud of? “Stupid things like…oh, she’s gaining weight. You feel proud as a mother that you can give nourishment to this child so that it can grow.”
Uncontrolled Leakage in a Type-A Woman
And then, Michelle explains one of the strangest things imaginable to a husband – the act of “let-down”. The let-down of milk, or leaking of a breast, is a very strange thing indeed. Not to embarrass my wife, but this is something that is useful to know for those of you who haven’t yet had a child – you may find your wife walking into the shower with a flow of milk coming out of her breasts, or she’ll suddenly feel pressure in her chest when your baby starts to cry. It’s absolutely remarkable – an interesting side-effect of lactation that it is so sensitive to your baby’s every motion and sound.
Here is Michelle’s own perspective on the let-down of her own milk. “I remember reading about this, but when it happens to you it’s a strange alien thing. When Lian cries, I immediately start “letting”. I physically ache when I hear her cry: my chest tightens, I start leaking, and it’s this raw, core element of my being that takes over my body. And that’s the big thing about post-partum depression – it’s that you are now effectively a pod. Nature’s forces have taken over your body and it just seems to know what to do – but you have no control over it. In this day and age, for those of us who are so into our heads and in control of everything we do, it’s a very raw, grounding experience. All of a sudden, the moment a child is born, your body knows to kick into production and nourishment mode. That’s amazing to me! And the moment a child cries, your first reaction is to give it nourishment, to give it life. It’s like your lifeline, your continual connection with your child.”
“I can understand why some women choose to breast feed for up to a year. It’s like your umbilical cord. It’s your ability to provide nourishment – which equates with love – to your child. It’s so grounding. It’s your first chakra (the sexual reproduction chakra). Your first chakra is the most earth-bound – it’s survival. Survival is preparation – a raw physical element. And you don’t become more physical than in your first chakra.” [If you’re lost right now, it’s OK. So am I.]
More questions on motherhood and child-rearing
What are your biggest fears? That something’s wrong with Lian – and that it would be because I shouldn’t have done something (like drink wine, eat sushi), or that I didn’t protect her enough. I have no doubt, oddly enough, that we’ll be able to provide for her. What I do doubt is taking the time – giving her our time – being there with her and for her, and not just spending time. My dad has a fear that she’ll have your nose [I’ve been likened to Cyrano], and that she’ll have trouble going out on dates.
What are your fears for Lian? She’s going to be a tough cookie. She has a will of her own. My only fears are related to me: Am I feeding her enough? Is she gaining enough weight? It sounds awful but you do compare your child to others, because as a new mom you don’t know any better. You hear stories about so-and-so having this happen, so it becomes something that might happen to your own child.
“Just think,” Michelle added, “now she can suck her thumb to pacify herself instead of crying for us!” As soon as my dull mind realized the potential implications on our sleep patterns, I grinned from ear to ear. “Wow – some more sleep,” I thought.
The Art of Walking
Later today, we took another outing down by the beach at Crissy Field down by the San Francisco marina. It was a bright, sunny and warm Indian Summer day. The sky was a brilliant blue, the outrigger canoes from the San Francisco Outrigger canoe club were practicing sprints out by the dual buoys near the Golden Gate, and the water was flat.
All of this, of course, meant nothing to Lian who cried and cried during our walk. And do you know what? It didn’t faze us. For the first time, the two of us just walked together, each of us with a hand on the stroller – we’re a bit particular about each contributing evenly to whatever activity we’re doing – and almost blissfully ignorant of little Lian’s wailing cries. We’ve come a long way. The art of walking with a baby we’ve concluded, is to acknowledge her, but then let her sleep and to ignore her if she doesn’t. If she could only stay this age forever.
After a while as a new dad, you begin to feel like a pro and you tell yourself that you can read your baby’s cries and can tell her wants. I find myself ticking off the five wants all the time now: holding, feeding, burping, changing, and turn-up-the-heat (our own unique addition given our drafty apartment).
But even more important than knowing what a baby’s needs are, is being able to just ignore the cries altogether. On today’s walk, Lian’s crying made no sense: I’d just changed her diaper, she was stuffed with blankets in her stroller, she’d just been burped and fed. The only thing we weren’t doing was holding her – so OK – maybe that was the reason for the crying. But after a few minutes, she just stopped, and fell back asleep. Ignorance, it seems, is a useful tactic with a baby. At a certain point, she’ll just tire herself out or maybe forget what she was crying about, and she’ll fall asleep.
And as to our outings with Michelle, “the pleasure’s a little bit more intense than it used to be,” she said to me today. These little activities – a walk down a beach hand-in-hand – we would do without a thought in the world before. Now, we do them conscious of one thing that we never knew before: we are blessed when we can enjoy our time quietly, without Lian crying.
Motherhood
Since I’m less than half of the equation when it comes to baby and parenting, I thought I’d ask Michelle to share with you some of her thoughts on her newfound motherhood.
What is your perspective on motherhood versus fatherhood? “Well, there’s a certain amount of protectiveness that you don’t have as a man that I have, for example: protecting her body from the wind and the elements. You’re much more carefree in your treatment of her – I’m a lot more cautious about exposing her to people.”
What does it feel like being a mother? “It’s a life commitment like no other to just see this creation grow and blossom. It’s overwhelming having this creature take control of your life. It’s being able to let go (which is really hard for type-A personalities like ourselves) that is so difficult and yet so natural. Being a mom I’m much more aware that I just have to let things go and that I have to re-prioritize. Do I want to have my life and do things that give me pleasure? Absolutely. But now other things take priority.
What do you find yourself thinking about when you stare at her as you do? “I still look at her and go …wow … she literally came out of me. How did she fit?!”
What are you proud of? “Stupid things like…oh, she’s gaining weight. You feel proud as a mother that you can give nourishment to this child so that it can grow.”
Uncontrolled Leakage in a Type-A Woman
And then, Michelle explains one of the strangest things imaginable to a husband – the act of “let-down”. The let-down of milk, or leaking of a breast, is a very strange thing indeed. Not to embarrass my wife, but this is something that is useful to know for those of you who haven’t yet had a child – you may find your wife walking into the shower with a flow of milk coming out of her breasts, or she’ll suddenly feel pressure in her chest when your baby starts to cry. It’s absolutely remarkable – an interesting side-effect of lactation that it is so sensitive to your baby’s every motion and sound.
Here is Michelle’s own perspective on the let-down of her own milk. “I remember reading about this, but when it happens to you it’s a strange alien thing. When Lian cries, I immediately start “letting”. I physically ache when I hear her cry: my chest tightens, I start leaking, and it’s this raw, core element of my being that takes over my body. And that’s the big thing about post-partum depression – it’s that you are now effectively a pod. Nature’s forces have taken over your body and it just seems to know what to do – but you have no control over it. In this day and age, for those of us who are so into our heads and in control of everything we do, it’s a very raw, grounding experience. All of a sudden, the moment a child is born, your body knows to kick into production and nourishment mode. That’s amazing to me! And the moment a child cries, your first reaction is to give it nourishment, to give it life. It’s like your lifeline, your continual connection with your child.”
“I can understand why some women choose to breast feed for up to a year. It’s like your umbilical cord. It’s your ability to provide nourishment – which equates with love – to your child. It’s so grounding. It’s your first chakra (the sexual reproduction chakra). Your first chakra is the most earth-bound – it’s survival. Survival is preparation – a raw physical element. And you don’t become more physical than in your first chakra.” [If you’re lost right now, it’s OK. So am I.]
More questions on motherhood and child-rearing
What are your biggest fears? That something’s wrong with Lian – and that it would be because I shouldn’t have done something (like drink wine, eat sushi), or that I didn’t protect her enough. I have no doubt, oddly enough, that we’ll be able to provide for her. What I do doubt is taking the time – giving her our time – being there with her and for her, and not just spending time. My dad has a fear that she’ll have your nose [I’ve been likened to Cyrano], and that she’ll have trouble going out on dates.
What are your fears for Lian? She’s going to be a tough cookie. She has a will of her own. My only fears are related to me: Am I feeding her enough? Is she gaining enough weight? It sounds awful but you do compare your child to others, because as a new mom you don’t know any better. You hear stories about so-and-so having this happen, so it becomes something that might happen to your own child.
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